For the next couple of months or so I tried to get over him. But he had become almost an obsession. I woke up thinking of him, I went to bed thinking of him. I went out with friends and tried to get some normality back. I don’t have that many friends I had a couple that I used to hang out with every Sunday. They had really looked after me when me and the ex husband split. Took me out and made sure I had a social life. Where I live is quite small there isn’t a great deal on offer for a single middle aged woman! So they were my life line. I loved them both so much, for this blog I will call them N&N. I do this to save them embarrassment. Although if people know me they will know who I am talking about! I no longer have contact with them that will be explained later and I was devastated that our friendship came to an end, but you loose a lot of friends when you are living with or in addiction.
Ali my neighbour became a good friend around this time, we both seemed to be in love with men that didn’t want us! It’s not my place to go into Ali’s details but we both decided to try out internet dating! Ali is a beautiful looking woman, in her 30’s, I on the other hand am an average looking woman that was fast approaching 50! I wasn’t counting on meeting any one but had a few dates, there was one guy I liked but we only met a coupe of times. He smoked a lot of weed and I didnt, so things didn’t really work out, and it just sort of fizzled out. Towards the end of August when I was still sort of seeing this guy, I got a phone call. I was just about to go to work in a police station, I had deleted K’s number for my own sanity so I couldn’t txt him so was a bit shocked to hear his voice. You ok? He asked.
‘What you want?’ I asked –
‘just thought I would call you.’
Where are you?
What you doing there? Some evasive answer, so I said look I have to go…. My head and heart were racing. What did he want? No I was just getting my self back on track I didn’t want this man back in my life and for fucks sake Birkenhead! That was bloody miles away, I wasnt going to start up a long distance relationship that’s not what I wanted. I still had a few minutes so sent him a txt and said look I don’t want you as a friend you can’t give me what I want. I wish you luck please don’t call again.
What was the point? I wanted him of course I still loved him but he was not answering my questions about what and why he was in Birkenhead no this would go nowhere better forget it and move on – again!
If only I had kept the strength I found that day but then again all addicts relapse don’t they!