The next few days went slowly, had a couple of text messages but he wouldn’t be allowed out again until Sunday and only if he did the work he was supposed to do. I was still at a loss as to what was going on was I just a friend did he want me as a girlfriend? Sometimes I would get a text and he would put a kiss (x) at the end sometimes he wouldn’t. I spoke to my friend Ali about it. It’s early days Kaz leave it. But I so desperately wanted to be with this man. I had had dates even had a couple of shortish relationships after the husband but nothing came close to this intensity of feelng I had for an ex drug user! At this stage I didn’t even think about relapse didn’t even think it would be possible. He was so anti drugs. Or so I thought. Recently I read about how it works for addicts. When you are addicted to a substance ( or a person I suppose) your time is spent chasing it. I will get into our addiction later but for now will focus on how we got together.
We had arranged to meet on the Sunday but he didn’t call I called him and he said he had gone out with some lads from rehab and so couldn’t see me I said ok no problem but inside I was torn apart. He contacted me a couple of days later on text and we tentitivly arranged for the next weekend. I was going crazy with the whole situation. I had fallen for a man I didn’t know. And it was worse not knowing if he felt anything about me. I desperately wanted to ask him but was too scared to hear he didn’t want me in his life. I bet this sounds a bit lame. Sound a bit sad don’t I? Why was I so hung up on him? I really don’t know. He didn’t ask after me or my leg I had ended up having 9stitches, he didn’t really ask about me at all.
The next time we met we went to the sea. He loved the sea. We went to Morecambe He had no shame. There was a guy that was obviously not so well in the mental health department, I had seen him around before he was talking to himself, K shouted they will lock you up for that mate! I was like omg you can’t say that – why not he asks? I still don’t know if I would have found it amusing if it wasn’t him? Anyway we had a couple of hours again. He had to get back so we drove back and again. Same thing drop him off away from the centre he thanked me for a nice afternoon but again no kiss but I accepted it.
The next weekend I had a meeting. I won’t bore you with the details but basically he came with me and stayed in the car. I left early and we went into Kendal. As we were walking about he seemed to be a bit more flirty, we walked passed a dress shop and he said things like you should wear short dresses, we talked about going camping and he said he would love to go camping with me. But because I was getting mixed messages tried not to take it to heart. After we had some lunch which he insisted on paying for, we still had 3 hours to kill. Want to come back to mine? Yes, so we went home. Made a brew and sat opposite each other chatting, then he said it, Karen I can’t keep walking about on egg shells with you are we going to get together or what? I can’t remember the exact words now but it was something along those lines….we went to bed, that was the start for me at least.
i would like to say everything was happy after that but it wasn’t. Having your fella in rehab with strict rules of when you can or can’t go out, took its toll. I wanted a boyfriend and knew that even if I couldn’t see him all the time we could at least see each other at weekends – not!
the next time we met up we went for a walk I was blown away as he kissed me in the street, as we drove home he said I know you have fallen for me, my brothers like that too falls for girls really fast. I said in your dreams I have fallen for you, but we both knew we or at least I had.
If memory serves me right we met once more before I went on holiday and he had a long weekend on his cousins stag night.
With hind site I think it was probably obvious to everyone but me he wasn’t that bothered. I blamed rehab as he did for him not seeing me, then he said I have another over night home leave coming up. This was July time now, and he was up for stopping the weekend! Fantastic, we could have a full weekend together. In my mind I was thinking no rushed sex eat out have a few drinks chill out fab!
He said he would call me and let me know when he could get away. The waiting was unbearable. Eventually he said he was going to see his sister on the Friday but could see me on the Saturday. I was disappointed but felt bad cos he said he hadn’t seen his sister since he had gone into rehab. I said I was disappointed but understood, you know writing this down I must have been desperate for him to want me the shit I put up with! But what was I to know. I didn’t know what he could do or couldn’t do being in there. I didn’t want him to feel more pressure from me putting stress on him by wanting his time. But I was gutted he had promised a weekend with me and I had already lost a night 😔
I wonder a s I read this back wether he was grooming me? Maybe someone out there that has done it or experienced it can make comment.
Eventually on the Friday night he phoned me. He was pissed! But was calling me babe and was generally funny come over here and stay tomorrow he says, I said I didn’t want to stay at his sisters but decided to get a hotel. The bloody stone roses were playing Manchester so there wasn’t a hotel to be had! Eventually I found actually in Manchester so text him cos he wouldn’t answer his phone and said I had booked a hotel and would pick him up on Saturday afternoon. He called and we arranged to meet about 2 at his sisters but he said I will call you in the morning.
To cut a long story short, he had a minging hangover I ended up picking him up at 5 and drove to Manchester. We had a couple of pints and he said I am rough love I have to go to bed! I was livid but didn’t want to make a fuss, after all it was his weekend too! He went to bed and didn’t wake up til the morning hardly the romantic weekend I had planned! I took him back to where his sister lived and went home. I was hurt and upset. I had put too much into this weekend had hoped for too much.
I don’t think we saw each other again after that. He made excuses and eventually said he had to focus on his recovery and I was a distraction. I was far more upset than I should have been. But felt devastated. It my fault that I felt the way I did, but he obviously didn’t have space for me in his life and I should never have got involved. But of course his recovery was the most important thing, I should have taken Ali’s advice before she told me not to get involved. She didn’t come out and say it at that time but she had alluded to it! That was my first brush with a recovering addicts life, I should have drawn a line under it and moved on.
It was too late my addiction had started.