I suppose now would be a good time to explain a bit more about me. It might surprise you to know I actually have quite a responsible job. Looking back when our addiction was at its worse I wonder how I even managed to work. And yes I did say our addiction! If you are new to how this works it’s simple. It starts with just keeping your loved one safe, helping them out. They need some money you give it to them. They pay you back so you give more. They need a lift you give it, you become so embroiled in their addiction you become addicted yourself. It will probably become clearer as my story unfolds but as you do what you think is helping it becomes more and more your business, and I ended up enabling him not helping him.when you live with addiction, you have to detach yourself from it, from the madness chaos and pain or else you become addicted yourself. I don’t mean addicted to the drugs. It engulfs you like heroin engulfs the addict. If I help just once more he will get help, he is ill he needs the drugs, if I don’t help him he will go out and rob something he might get caught and go to jail, how will that look for me at work if they find out? That was something I said to him, he used that again and again to play on my feelings and get what he wanted. How many times did I hear -babe please you know I don’t like asking but I am ill – or – Babe please you have to help me you don’t want me to go out and go on the rob – or – Babe please I will have to go out grafting oh yes the addict learns quick what gets you going what upsets you and plays on it. And then there the whole thing around the co-dependency shit. You feel wanted, loved, you have a purpose. Someone needs you but they don’t in reality all they want is what they can get from you. Addiction is sometimes called disease. Yes it might be. But don’t underestimate the lengths addicts will go to to get what they need. Some people might think that addicts are somehow not functioning as those with out addiction, that they are somehow wasters, not to put too fine a point on it dead heads. They are not when the rattle starts they are as sharp as anything, they have to be to get what they need.
So back to me. This is a public blog, so I have to be careful how much I divulge about my job. I have to be careful just because of confidentiality, not about me but my clients. The people I work for and the type of job I do. I don’t want people to feel compromised. But I do need to try to put it into perspective so that you understand where I am coming from. I work as an interpreter. I worked for an agency, before when I was living with and had my own addiction I worked for a different Organisation.
I do a lot of work within the legal domain, ironic really considering my home life!
So i had a good job a good wage. I wasn’t t rich had a lot of debt built up over the years. But I had enough to get by. Paid the bills. Before I met Karl I would have liked to have someone in my life but wasn’t desperatly looking. As I have mentioned had some friends where I lived had a nice pub that at one time I worked in to supplement my income when I was freelance, and could go to without fear. I had my cats and my old dog. I was fairly happy. Having someone to share it with would have been nice but not that important. I had had a couple of long term relationships married twice, but if I was with someone and it wasn’t working and I wasn’t happy I wouldn’t be scared to finish it and be on my own. That’s why I couldn’t understand how I could be so unhappy and sad but couldn’t finish it or walk away from him.
So there it is a bit more about me. I am sure more will become clear as I continue sharing my journey, also if you want to, ask!