As I was driving into town my phone rang it was him….my heart sank he’s calling it off I thought but picked up anyway.
‘Where are you?’
‘Erm just getting into town 5 minutes I will be there just in traffic’
‘ok see you’ phew he wasn’t calling it off he was there waiting for me…early! That voice chipped in again! He is only early cos he wanted to get out of that place, stop making this into something it’s not. I know I know but it’s a good sign that he is early and checking that I am coming…he must like me right??
So I parked up crossed the road and there he was…I couldn’t believe my luck…that gorgeous man wanted to go out with me!? Suddenly I couldn’t talk – Hi I said what you want to do? We need to get out of here in case I am seen ( heart sinks he’s ashamed to be seen with me) maybe he saw something in my face and added – cos staff could see me and I ain’t supposed to be meeting anyone. Phew I felt a bit better for hearing that!
So what do you want to do I ask again.
Don’t mind we could go for a drink if you like but I can’t drink, not allowed. Ok let’s go the car is across the road
We set off…it was a lovely warm afternoon but I felt so nervous I could hardly talk. He was making jokes and seemed very relaxed! As we drove out of town he asked me how come I didnt have a boyfriend. I explained the husband left a couple of years previously. I mentioned that we had been party people and when the pill taking stopped I didn’t feel much for him any more. Oh so you like bad boy druggies then? Ha ha I said yes of course! Well you’ll like me I was in prison cos of drugs.
Why didnt I just think to my self then you have no place in my world? But no I liked it I liked him well fancied him physically but also admired him. He had a shyness about him a humbleness that I would see again and agin over the coming weeks and months and that attracted me to him. A vunrablitiy. He had met up with me and was so honest about his past it was frightening. As the afternoon unfolded he told me about how he came to be in rehab. He had owed some dealers money. They ran him over and his back was broken. He went to hospital and he absconded, he ended up with the ultimatum rehab or recall. He choose rehab.
He seemed so focused and anti drugs that I never assumed for one minute that this was going to be the wellest I would see him. He told me that he had recently learnt to read and write, my heart went out to him. Good for you I thought you really are trying to change your life around. He was doing a the first part of a councelling course – life was good. He had a plan, in the September he was hoping to go to university and do a degree in councelling. He was focused.
He told me about his girlfriend that had died when he was in prison. How he didn’t find out until after, he also lost him Nan and dad all the space of a couple of years.
His Nan more or less brought him up. He didn’t seem to get on with his mum too well. He told me about after his dad and her split up she remarried, and had 2 more kids, K had an older sister. He said that sadly his mums husband had a fatal motor accident and basically she had a break down. K and his sister ended up in care. I don’t know what happened to the younger two. But they seem to have stayed with her, and when she got with the man she is with now he brought the two younger ones up as his own. K had various foster placements, him and Frank didn’t get on. He didn’t go to school much and his dad used to take him out on the rob. He started using drugs and was in and out of young offenders institutions.
Maybe because I had never heard anyone being so upfront and honest about such a horrendous up bringing my heart opened up to him, my ex had been so emotionally retarded it was a joke! He couldn’t open up and talk about his feelings maybe if he had we would have been still together, but then I wouldn’t be writing this.
He showed me a photo On his phone, of his girlfriends grave. I felt really uncomfortable but justified it by thinking that he wanted to share this horrible situation with ME so I should be more accepting and sympathetic! Of course I made all the right noises, how awful, but there was that voice again, why would he show you that because he doesn’t see you as a potential girlfriend that might be upset by that, he is sharing it with you as a friend.
Its time to go….2 hours had flown by, so we went back to the car and I drove him back to near where the rehab was. He said he couldn’t risk getting seen ( that voice again he’s ashamed of you cos of your age!) so dropped him near by. He said thank you for taking me out and was gone. No kiss good bye? Oh well friends it is then.
Now when I think of how he was I understand why I was so attracted to him. Here was this 39 year old man starting life. Really starting life for the first time! He had focus goals he was clean from drugs. He was charming funny made fun of him self and of me, made me laugh and nearly cry. My heart went out to him he had had such a cruel life in his eyes and now he was literally reborn. He had an energy of a young man, he was in some ways like a teenager. Life was for living and he was grabbing it. He was grateful and as I have said humble. He had so many good qualities, why wouldn’t I fall for him. It’s was almost like a blank page, he could write on it what he wanted could be want ever he wanted to be. He was exciting. His enthusiasm radiated out of him and it was infectious! I wanted more of him he was someone I would be proud to introduce to my friends and family….jumping the gun but all this was going on in my head before we had even arranged a second date! Total madnes!